It's not my fault, I swear!
by JAK Kinase
Summary: A bunch of shipping ficlets. Well, kinda. Chapter 2: Fang reacts to Hope molesting her almost-sister.
1. VanillexHope  Rite of Passage

Disclaimer: Not mine, belongs to Squeenix yadda yadda.

Title: Rite of Passage

* * *

"Vanille," Hope said carefully, proud despite himself that his voice didn't crack, "you're drunk."

He tried to focus on her face.

It helped that they were stuck in a closet and that the lighting was terrible and that she had very pretty eyes.

She was also mostly naked. That really didn't help.

Fang was going to kill him.

"Drunk?" Vanille asked, giggling. Her boots made clicking sounds as she moved her feet. He hadn't checked, what with being forcibly shoved into the closet and all - but he was pretty sure it was one of the only things she was wearing.

He was kind of curious as to _why_ she was not wearing anything but that could wait. He kept his hands very firmly behind him. And focused on looking up.

"Yes," Hope replied. "Very drunk. I know Snow and Serah's housewarming party is fun but don't you feel like going home with Fa-"

"Dun wanna." Vanille complained. She leaned forward to nuzzle his hair. "You smell good, Hope. Like flowers."

"Thanks," Hope squeaked, temporarily forgetting all about his voice-cracking issues.

He had spent twenty-four dollars and ninety-nine cents (plus tax) on that lavender-scented shampoo. Good to know it smelled nice.

He'd tell Fang that Vanille liked it. Maybe it'd distract her long enough for him to get away. Maybe Sazh would help him. Sazh was a good guy. And an ace pilot. He'd help him get out of the country. Yeah.

Fang had a dragon.

He was _so_ screwed.

… that pun? Not intentional. At all.

They stayed like that for a moment (Vanille nuzzling his hair, Hope trying to make sure that various parts of his anatomy did not move unnecessarily) before Hope got the courage enough to ask: "Vanille?"

"Mmmm-hmmm?"

"Why are you naked?"

There was a pause. He could hear the gears shifting in her brain. There was an 'ah' moment where she brightened and jumped a bit – putting all sorts of interesting things into motion – and all but shouted:

"Hope! Fang and I decided!"

Hope felt his jaw open with an audible click. What?

"We're going to make you a man! S'a great honor, you know."

Hope was pretty sure it only _felt_ like there was steam coming out of his ears. The turning tomato red part he believed and endorsed and his heart was going at a million miles an hour and even if he'd gotten his crap together he really didn't feel ready to take the next step –

Wasn't this considered statutory rape?

"I'm too young?" He squeaked.

Vanille dismissed his concerns with an airy wave. "Oh silly, most people do it at twelve."

Okay, now he was _definitely_ bright red.

And confused.

"You have to be naked too, you know." She sounded almost apologetic though Hope hadn't the faintest clue why. Then he felt her tugging at his shirt and he nearly had an aneurysm and his nose was bleeding and he wanted to stumble out of the closet but if anyone fit the description of stronger-than-they-look it was Vanille.

"Oh stop struggling." She muttered. "It's not going to be _that_ painful-"

Painful? Why? It would? Would Fang bite? Did Vanille not actually like vanilla-

Speaking of Fang, where was she?

"-and after you've got the warpaint on, you'll have to kill something fierce! Raaa!" Vanille made swiping motions with her free hand.

It was adorable (even if it knocked over a can of paint thinner) but…

"Umm, could you repeat that?"

Vanille stopped struggling with his shirt. And as if lecturing to a very young child: "Hope, when a child comes of age they must go into the wilderness armed with nothing but their wits and spirit-"

Oh.

He was pretty sure that the Vanille needing to be naked part was covered under a different bullet point (and possibly altogether unnecessary) but still.

Oh.

"-hunt something fierce! I got a bear my first time-"

Hope nearly collapsed. Part of him was regretful, but a much greater part of him only felt relief. This was one of those Gran Pulse rite thingies he'd heard about. Vanille was drunk and trying to enact it or something. No big deal.

Right.

Keep on telling yourself that.

"Oh thank goodness." Hope muttered.

"Great!" Vanille said, hugging him. "Don't worry, you'll do fine."

It was at that point the younger of the two Farron sisters opened the closet door – turned bright red, and slammed it shut. The pitter-patter of dainty feet rushed off and was lost in the distance.

Hmmm.

Hope considered the possibility that Fang wasn't aware that Vanille had intended to 'make Hope a man.' Vanille was pretty drunk and they weren't actually on Gran Pulse at the moment and-

"BOYO-"

Yup. He was _so_ gonna die.

* * *

Author's Notes: I contemplated shoving this into my drabble collection. But then it became too long. And so I figured, new category! Shipping oneshots! This one takes place in that ambiguous 'after-the-end-but-Fang-and-Vanille re-awaken and Cocoon is intact' setting. You know the one.

Okay, feel free to shoot me. Or suggest the next pairing. Hopefully it won't require alcohol and culture shock to make it work. |D


	2. Rite of Passage II

Disclaimer: Not mine, belongs to Squeenix yadda yadda.

Title: Rite of Passage II

* * *

Fang was going to murder a certain child.

The only question was how she'd hide the body. Not from the authorities, no, heaven forefend she start worrying about some lame-ass Cocoon law enforcement, but Vanille… yeah, Vanille might be a little sulky. And Lightning too. She doted on that brat like he was her child or something.

And Snow might be moderately peeved that she'd murdered someone at his housewarming party. Ah well. Can't win em' all.

"Hoooope," she said, trying not to sound like she was an axe-murderer and, in fact, good with children. "Come out, come out wherever you are-"

For some inexplicable reason, Hope didn't jump up and announce his presence so she could eviscerate him. The bastard.

"Hooope," she bit out, annoyed. "Real men are supposed to own up to their crimes."

It burned at her that she and Vanille had ever thought about inducting him into either of their clans. The little chump! Screwing around with Vanille! And without asking her sister-in-honor's permission!

She fumed for a few moments at the injustice of it all. She devoutly hoped, the little part of her that could stomach such thoughts, that they'd been using protection.

A trapdoor slid open from behind her.

"Fang? Dessert's ready."

Fang looked down. Spotted a certain ex-soldier, head thrust up through the attic's entrance. The smell of lilacs wafted through the dusty attic air. For a moment, she lost her ability to think rationally.

"I'm l-looking for Hope," she managed to say.

"That's alright, he's already down." Light said cheerfully, or as cheerfully as Light ever got, having apparently not noticed Fang's inclinations towards homicide. She started down the ladder before adding, half-regretful: "Vanille's not acting like herself."

Which was Lightninglish for : "she ran around the house buck naked singing old Gran Pulse drinking songs while gnawing on Snow's head and demanding cookies of mass destruction."

"Oh, and she might have tried raping Hope in the closet."

Fang's left eyelid twitched imperceptibly.

"I'll be right down," the lancer promised.

* * *

Dessert was a suitably dramatic affair.

She spotted Hope, one seat away from the door, doing his best to gorge himself on homemade brownies while as unobtrusively as possible suggesting that it was late and he should be heading home. Vanille, clothed, thank the makers, was preventing him from moving anywhere as she seemed rather attached to his head.

Literally.

Fang tried not to ball her fists up and smack him silly. Instead, she did what any good serial killer would do and bid her time.

Fang smiled widely when Hope spotted her. His eyes widened and he started hyperventilating a bit as she got closer and gave him a friendly pat on the head before delicately leading Vanille to a different seat.

Then she sat down right next to Hope. A dozen hundred intimidating things were at her disposal but use of any of them was ruined when Vanille leaned next to her and whined about flowers. Fang patted her head and shoved a brownie into her hands.

"Brownie! Yay!"

Having lost momentum, Fang leaned over and grabbed one of Hope's brownies. He didn't complain even as she put it in her mouth. She risked a sideways glance.

Was he quaking in his boots? Yeah, he was quaking in his boots. Good. Let the little bastard sweat a little.

Mmm. This was a good brownie.

Scratch that. This was a _really_ good brownie.

"Fang?"

She looked up to find Sazh staring at her strangely. "There's a lot more brownies in the plate in front of you," he pointed out, taking a bite out of his own. Fang glanced obligingly at the plate. There was, in fact, a lot of brownies.

They all looked delicious.

"Yeah," the feminine, mini- Lightning said brightly. "We made tons!"

After a moment Fang nodded hesitantly. Apparently this was the socially suitable thing to do because Serah and Sazh turned back to their own conversations; apparently about parenting tips and the boring like if Sazh's 'I dunno about the merits of homeschooling but a good teacher is definitely a must' was any indication. She waited for a few seconds, trying not to whistle innocently before discretely stealing another brownie from Hope when no one was looking.

Except, of course, Hope whose fingers were on said brownie at the time.

He nearly burst into tears. It gave her a warm and fuzzy feeling deep down inside. She did her best not to cackle. Shoved another brownie into Vanille's lap when she began to complain about flowers or something.

Hope carefully reached for another now that his plate was empty. She stole that one too.

After a moment, the boy pushed his plate away, and – with as much dignity as he could muster, which really wasn't all that much – got up and said he needed to be excused so he could go to the bathroom.

Muhahahaha. Victory is-

Wait, had she just said that out loud?

No, no one was looking at her funny. Phew. Good. She twiddled her thumbs, waiting for Hope to return. After ten minutes of twiddling she started to suspect that either he had locked himself in the bathroom crying about his short life expectancy, had slit his wrists because he'd soiled Vanille's honour-

-or had escaped.

Bastard.

Fang crept away from the table – totally not like a serial killer stalking her next victim – and went to check. She left Vanille with the brownies. Presumably Vanille would emerge victorious within the next hour or so. Plenty of time.

She didn't notice a certain other ex-soldier politely excuse herself and follow her.

* * *

A/N: Fang would totally bully people by stealing their food. You know this to be true. Thank you to Coca-Cola1, Coldman9, danielledischarge, kittyxninjax and Nightfall Daybreak for your reviews! Since Nightfall Daybreak asked for Fang's reaction, well, here it is. We'll finish things off next chapter. Hopefully.


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